“Know When to Walk Away”
I really like to give people the benefit of the doubt. However, when people are unnecessarily cruel or when they say they are are one thing, but give nothing to support their words, where do you draw the line?
Bottom Line is, you can’t control the actions of other people no matter how much you care about them. A relationship of any kind, family, romantic, friendly cannot be one sided and it cannot be maintained through fear of loss. It’s not the end of the world to say goodbye to someone who you care about even if it seems like it at first.
I don’t agree with the disappearing act and think that things should be addressed before calling it quits if the person is important to you. (word for the wise, initially address the situation calmly, but seriously.) You are not a punching bag, but there is no need to stoop to the level of whoever is trying to treat you like one either. Ending on a good note will allow you to feel better and more in control of your own life. How the other person feels about losing you is their problem and although it is true sometimes people don’t realize what they have until it’s gone and can change, be extremely cautious about handing out chances. You cannot change someone who doesn’t want to change. And if you already addressed how this person is making you feel and they don’t do anything to try to fix things than you are better off without them. If you don’t learn to let people like this go, these types of people will continue to come in and out of your life and the chance of healthy, happy relationships will pass you by. Ever feel like you are dating the same person over and over again? Or are constantly losing friends?…This is what I’m talking about.
Personally I am not a fan of conflict, especially with people I care about. I tend to search internally for the solution of the problem because I hate when things are unbalanced. However, I find that this fear of not having control is not a healthy way to deal with a problem and in the end I only hurt myself and can never find the ability to let go when I really need to.
I know I recently wrote a blog about looking inside of yourself vs your environment to find a solution to your problem. And I want to further address, not only for my readers, but also for a reminder to myself.
Know what a true friend looks like. A true friend someone who is there when you need them, who cares about your well-being and who you can count on in a crisis. For my own personal mistakes I would also say be careful in being to quick in calling someone your best friend. I know it can be tempting when your in that honeymoon phase of a friendship (and yes, there is a sort of honeymoon phase in friendships too), but a best friend is someone who hangs around when life inevitably gets rough. If they disappear when you need them then your friendship with them has probably ran its course or perhaps they are more of an acquaintance someone to hang out with when you don’t want someone thing serious, but make sure to have a couple of people who will pick you up and watch out for you at the same time. Actions speak louder than words. Base someone off their actions and judge them by if its something they are going through vs something that they are just doing because they feel like it and know they can get away with it.
When it comes to family it is okay to create space from someone you are related to if the only thing they bring to your life is negativity and stress. We have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others. With family it’s a little harder, because you can’t always break ties with someone who you have to be civil with for the sake of the rest of the family. My best advice there is let it be known that you two don’t get a long, but keep between the two of you and don’t vent to family members about it and don’t expect for the family to pick sides. Not only is this not fair, but it is also causing the people you don’t have issues with unnecessary stress and conflict.
Romantic relationships are harder when it comes to determining lines because fights are much more frequent arguably with partners than with friends and family members.
. There is a sure line that shouldn’t be crossed and as I often tell my own friends it’s good to have boundaries established in every relationship new or old so that there is continued consent between the couple that shouldn’t be broken. The longer you are with someone the most likely you will grow and find things that bother you about the person, but with good communication (and that means if its really bothering you don’t stay quiet about it just because you don’t want to hurt that person’s feelings.) I am currently engaged and I admit there have been times when I feel maybe I have been a little too honest and I regret the look of pain in their eyes after I say something. However, for me I find that our honesty with each other is what helps us maintain trust and intimacy after five years of being together. Don’t assume that trust and intimacy will naturally come over that long of being together. Relationships are hard work. You have to be willing to put in almost everything you have into it if you want to go all the way with this person. There is a reason why every 2 in 3 relationships end in divorce. Don’t be a dick to your partner and yes, I am speaking to both women and men or whatever sexuality partnership you are in. Be kind and remind them why you are with them. And if you don’t know why you are with them, then again that’s something you need to figure out internally, not automatically assuming that it’s something that they are or aren’t doing. You have to be a team and you can’t expect your partner to be a mindreader, which I am also guilty of doing from time to time.
I don’t think of myself as any relationship sort of expert. These are simply things that I have picked up along the way of my experiences with people from the inside and the outside. My relationship is something I have to work on everyday, but I still know why I’m with him (even though I sometimes need to remind myself). I wrote the thing about the friend’s because it something that I am recently learning not to do. I think only you can know what kind of friend best for you based off of who you are and be upfront. It sucks to be the person who just gets dumped without any words of explanation. Honesty is the best key and if this person meant anything to you it is far better to allow that person closure and understanding to why so they can stop from repeating the same mistakes in the future. As for the family, I have family members who I personally don’t get a long with and now being engaged I also see things in my new family that brings me to the same conclusion on how to deal with a problem like that.
Overall, just to recap, don’t be anyone’s punching bag, speak up for yourself, be honest and know what’s best for you and when it’s time to put your foot down and call it quits. I hope this post helped people more than just myself.